Big

I dream big.

If you’ve read a few of my blog posts, you probably already know that. You probably also know that “big” doesn’t always have to be what others would consider big.

Quitting my job to become a mom and start a photography business – big. Surviving cancer – big. Getting Emma to go on the potty – also big.

One of my big ideas over the last year or so has been to go somewhere with Toby. Not because we have to, but because we WANT to. I know right? Seems pretty big to me!I was absolutely floored when Toby surprised me several months ago with a trip to the WPPI Road Trip in Chicago. Here was our chance to get away for a night or two and do something just for us!!! I was excited because I’d never been to Chicago before (the actual downtown part), I would get to turn my cell phone off (ok not off, but at least on silent) and immerse myself in Toby and my passion for photography, and because I’d finally get to hear Jasmine speak.

Ok. I realize that I might sound a little crazy – you know like the audience of the Backstreet Boys or something. I promise you that it’s not like that. Sure, there are lots of photographers who follow Jasmine because of her amazing work or her “celebrity” photographer status. To be honest, that’s why I found her blog in the first place. But then I read beyond her photographs and I got to know the girl behind the lens. I felt like there were things about her that I saw in myself. I’m a career changer. I’ve always been a total bookworm. I have a parent who battled cancer. I think one of my biggest gifts is my ability to write. And above all else, I spend every day looking for the value in every thing, every person, and every moment. Jasmine’s blog became my own personal cheering squad and amidst the craziness of starting our business, enjoying our new baby girl, balancing work and home, and learning the technical side of photography, I was constantly reminded that if I let myself shine through, that was enough.

I was enough.

And so as Jasmine’s video played right before she stepped up to the podium, I thought about the person I’d gotten to know through her blog. How we are alike. How we are different. And how we, and every other person in the room, were spending that moment challenging ourselves to be the best we could be. It was big. And it was real.

Real, I think, is why I enjoy reading Jasmine’s words so much. I’ve never been one for acting how you think you should be. You are what you are. And she is.

As I listened to her speak, I realized that this blog has become the only place that I really share things. Real things. The me I’m afraid to show anywhere else. Because I don’t feel like the confident, assertive, articulate, beautiful girl I remember from several years ago. Often I feel like I’m still trying to take back the things that cancer has stolen away from me – my body, my hair, the ability to plan my life, the way I used to feel like I had everything under control. And many times, I’m embarrassed to be seen by people. Instead of the outgoing girl I used to be, I usually hide behind my kids or my photography.

Even the blog posts on the Varland Photography blog had become robotic and uniform. Not me at all. Like Jasmine said, I was drowning in a “sea of saturation and sameness”.

Then Jasmine did something in her presentation that I didn’t expect. She pulled out blog entries from when she first started her business. These entries were clearly by the same Jasmine that stood in front of us… but they reflected something that I had forgotten was normal – doubt. And for someone as successful as Jasmine to stand up in front of us and say, “Here’s to many more failures.” Well, that was big. And something inside me began to feel better.

Dreaming is awesome, but the results don’t have to happen overnight. I’m allowed to not like the way I look. I’m allowed to feel vulnerable. But I’m not going to let it stop me from embracing who I am and working as hard as I possibly can to be the best version of myself.

In fact, it’s that – myself – that is my biggest asset. Why in the world would I hide my struggles when there are probably many more people out there feeling the same way? Why would I deny my clients the opportunity to connect with me? Because it’s not just the camera that’s taking pictures for them. Anyone can own the same camera that I use. What makes the photos that I take unique is the woman, mom, wife, survivor, sister, daughter, and artist behind the lens. It’s me. And if I can give them a glimpse into who I am before I ever click the shutter, I’m creating better opportunities for more amazing photographs. Because a photoshoot with a friend is 1000% better than one with a stranger.

As Jasmine wrapped up her presentation, I felt inspired. Not just “I can be better” inspired, but “why am I not changing the world” inspired. And I hope to.

My favorite part of it all, though, was actually meeting Jasmine. We’d “spoken” via email a year or more ago, but I was super nervous about actually meeting her. I almost felt like I was presenting a lump of coal on Christmas morning to someone who deserved a shiny new bike. Why in the world would she want to meet me? And for a split second, I debated whether I should even go talk to her at all. But I just couldn’t walk away without telling her that she mattered. Not as a photographer (of course, she’s great at that, too), but as a person. That she in some small way, had helped me feel comfortable enough to blog about cancer as I was going through it. Because I knew that putting myself out there would be ok – I was enough. And at a time that I felt so helpless and small, that was big.

As soon as I said the word cancer, she hugged me. And smiled. And told me that she was sorry that I had to go through it. And it was real – from one person who dealt with cancer to another.

We chatted about blogging, which was nice. But what I walked away with was inspiration. Inspiration that really wasn’t about Jasmine at all. It was inspiring to me how experiences can connect. It was inspiring to me how someone I’d never met could make me feel so significant. Most of all, it was inspiring to think that I could be that person for other people.

As Toby and I left that day, hand in hand, I was not only dreaming big dreams, but feeling like it was ok to do it.

Because I’m me – and that’s big enough.

- Annie

Here’s one of the pictures that Toby took of Jasmine during her presentation.